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Kelsenellenelvian
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Posts posted by Kelsenellenelvian
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It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.
No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of
technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were
constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to
much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to
shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have
to do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the
lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all
over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go
for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter
before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.
I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright
idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate
all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to
myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted
statements: "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a
good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet
access!" by some idiot system tech... such was my anal shaving idea.
I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to
sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began
the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean
the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on
the towel. Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble the
hairless mounds of a newborn babe.
Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was
covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied,
thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for
anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in
existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had
been taking it for granted.
For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into
the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to
sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my
crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past
each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off,
but had to get to class.
Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after
mingling with the microscopic ****-molecules lingering around my brown starfish.
When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky
****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.
God-****, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my
crack.
Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back
to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally
reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a
pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass
off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.
As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled
the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all,
as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my
face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass
cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with
the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought:
It will be like this until the hair grows back.
Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity,
I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: Ventilation. I attempted to launch
a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair,
the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating
fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.
As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever
shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble.
Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing
with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the
window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one
fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.
Friends... don't shave your ass-hair!
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING A CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from
garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws
firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one
hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with
head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress
to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away
and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
foil-wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with
small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold
head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture
store on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
={^:^}= Meow-hahahahahahahahahaha
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TODDLER MIRACLE DIET
People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is
that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation Diet), you don't get enough
variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,
people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days.
Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed
that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to
all in this new diet.
You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,otherwise, you may
be seeing him afterwards.
GoodLuck!!!
***********
DAY ONE
BREAKFAST: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites
of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest On the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then
smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
LUNCH: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3
sips only, then spill the rest).
DINNER: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
BEDTIME SNACK: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
***********
DAY TWO
BREAKFAST: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of
vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
LUNCH: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful Of Purina Dog Chow (any
flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
AFTERNOON SNACK: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.
Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop
on rug.
DINNER: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
***********
DAY THREE
BREAKFAST: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.
Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up
yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.
LUNCH: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto
the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
DINNER: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh
some punch through your nose, if possible.
***********
FINAL DAY
BREAKFAST: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour
a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
LUNCH: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker
and finish eating it.
DINNER: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick
of mascara for dessert.
***********
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A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she
wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.
The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started
screaming, "PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!"
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a
growing crowd of customers.
The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he
can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,
"PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES, PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!"
And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!
In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES
PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!"
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
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Ha mritter went rather unusual with this one. The controls are on the bottom in a dock-style format...
My usual standard theme...
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Windows Post-Install Wizard (WPI for short) is a hypertext application designed for giving users choice. While Windows XP offers many ways of customizing the setup process out of the box, its major drawback is the lack of being able to select which applications an end user may install. In the past, end users and administrators needed to either download the files manually, or create overly complex scripts that could only be used once. WPI allows you to create one image, which can then be custom configured, and optionally, automated, so that end users can install any applications that have been configured into WPI.
MAJOR NOTE!!!
You must edit your config.js file and add in the missing slash marks \ because WPI no longer adds them in after using variables.
Highlights:
WPI ChangeLog. Modifications by Mark Ritter (mritter)
===============================================================================
* Quotes are now put around the command paths so spaces in the path will be
taken care of.
* Created a new "built-in" manual. Only 50% done.
* Options -> Miscellaneous tab eliminated. Log gadgets moved to Tools tab.
Use Multi Defaults checkbox moved to Installer tab. Show Extra Buttons
checkbox removed.
* WPI now can detect if it was started from a CD/DVD or a harddrive. If
started from hdd then the extra buttons (Options, Config,....) are shown. If
started from CD/DVD then they are automatically hidden. No more forgetting to
turn it off when burn a UACD.
* Added two new commands for Config wizard: RegKeyExists() and RegKeyValue() for
use in Cond and GCond statements.
RegKeyExists("HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\WPI\Theme") returns true or false.
RegKeyValue("HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\WPI\Theme")=="Glossy"
* Removed all code for Media Player in WPI main window. It is still available
in the install window.
* Added an icon in Config wizard to access Universal Silent Switch Finder to
easily find the switches. Arguments are not allowed, just the plain path.
Sadicq totally re-wrote USSF, gave it an interface, and incorporated it with
WPI so can send the switches directly to the command line.
PEiD is no longer needed. Four new images in the themes folders:
USSF_Out.jpg, USSF_Over.jpg, USSF_Down.jpg, USSF_Disabled.jpg
NOTE: WPI and your archives folder must on the same partition!!!
* WPI used to add the \ (backslash) to system variables, it now does not to
be more like native Windows environment.
* A list of the global variables is now saved in the log file.
* There are some extra sound files in Audio -> Beeps folder. Copy one to
your theme folder and rename to TimerSound.wav
* Added to Options -> Installer: 'Start beep at t-minus seconds'
To customize when to start count-down beep. Set to 0 to not play sound.
* Added a check box in Options -> Installer:
'If grayed condition is true, disable the check box'
* Fixed a bug dealing with grayed condition not setting the text color
correctly.
* Added %sleep% to make WPI pause for x seconds. Put it on a command line:
%sleep% 10
For a 10 second delay. The command window can't be hidden at this time.
* Added %reboot% to force a reboot at anytime. Put it on a command line.
%reboot% Reboot immediately
%reboot% 10 Reboot after 10 seconds
%reboot% 15 -c "A message why" Reboot after 15 seconds and show a message
* Michael Mims (Zorphnog) updated the installer to allow for a reboot during
the installation process. This will allow for drivers to be installed or user
settings to be changed, reboot, install the rest of your software.
* Sadicq fixed a bug in the Config wizard dealing with adding a new category
it would duplicate what was already there.
* InstallProgBar.png and TimerProgBar.png are now two seperate entries in the
wpi.css and installer.css files. Can have two different images.
* Updated the Options tabs to a better version that is AJAX based. This
changed the theme files yet again.
* Fixed a bug dealing with forced items not being re-checked when hit Exit and
Force Install is checked. Caused by Zorphnoq's update below (not his fault).
* The tool tip style is now theme independant. A new file is saved in the
theme folder, wpi_style.js, for each theme's tips. Your current settings will
be saved the first time you go in to the Options wizard.
* David Di Certo wrote code to get the operating system's language TLA for use
in the installer as a variable %oslang%. It can be used like this in a
command line:
WindowsXP-KB918899-x86-%oslang%.exe
* Fixed a bug dealing with the audio player in the Classic theme.
* Eliminated generate.js by moving the code to core.js and installer.js. Also
cleaned up some of the function calls that were repetitive.
* The gcond[] statement in config.js is now only saved if changed from the
default: FileExists('%programfiles%\').
* Fixed another bug in the timer if set to 0 in command line args or in
user options.
* Fixed a bug in the count down timer.
===============================================================================Download
Notes and Extras
Suggested disk folder layout:
With the above folder layout all your config entries should read like:
%wpipath%\Install\Blah.exe
I have seperated the tools out from the main archive. You can download the tools here:
Contents of the tools archive:
cmdow
Universal Silent Switch Finder
PEiD
WPI Config Lister
CDSwitch
autorun.inf <-- Updated and fixed
wpi.ico New icon thanks to WolfX2
TaskKillS.exe from sadicq
Here is a quick start package that will set your windows disk up to use WPI with runonceex all you need is to place this %oem% folder at the root of your windows disk. You MUST have the line "OemPreinstall=Yes" in your winnt.sif file if you want to have the MCE theme if you dont feel the need the cmdlines.txt will still run WPI for you even without a winnt.sif file.
Contents of the %OEM% archive:
Media Center Style XP Theme (NO uxtheme.dll hack needed!)
cmdlines.txt
regentry to set MCE theme for runonceex window.
runonceex.cmd
1194 .png images for your pleasue to use in your tooltips or whatever!
Here is a small tutorial on how to add an app to WPI!
Ok this is a sample (Very simple) configuration for Windows Defender Beta 2
This assumes you have all of the WPI files either in the WPI folder at the root of your Windows cd or all of the WPI folders (Common, Graphics, WPIScripts, Tools, Install and Themes) and the file WPI.hta at the root of your cd.
Remember this is just the most basic and required entries for a program!
#1 Place the desired app in the install folder. (In this case WindowsDefender.msi)
#2 Run WPI.hta and choose
[How To] Install Vista and have dual boot with XP
in Windows Vista
Cool when I get my laptop on tuesday I will have to give this a try!