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Posts posted by Kelsenellenelvian

  1. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.

    No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of

    technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were

    constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led to

    much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to

    shake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would have

    to do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the

    lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all

    over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go

    for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter

    before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

    I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright

    idea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate

    all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to

    myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted

    statements: "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a

    good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenet

    access!" by some idiot system tech... such was my anal shaving idea.

    I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to

    sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began

    the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to clean

    the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on

    the towel. Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble the

    hairless mounds of a newborn babe.

    Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was

    covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied,

    thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for

    anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in

    existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had

    been taking it for granted.

    For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into

    the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to

    sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my

    crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding past

    each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off,

    but had to get to class.

    Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after

    mingling with the microscopic ****-molecules lingering around my brown starfish.

    When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky

    ****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.

    God-****, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my


    Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back

    to the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally

    reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a

    pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass

    off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

    As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled

    the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all,

    as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my

    face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass

    cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with

    the tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought:

    It will be like this until the hair grows back.

    Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity,

    I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: Ventilation. I attempted to launch

    a fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair,

    the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating

    fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

    As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever

    shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble.

    Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealing

    with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the

    window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one

    fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

    Friends... don't shave your ass-hair!


    1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

    Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply

    pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill

    into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

    2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and

    repeat process.

    3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

    4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly

    with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right

    fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

    5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from


    6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws

    firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one

    hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's

    throat vigorously.

    7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy

    new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth

    and set to one side for gluing later.

    8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with

    head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth

    open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

    9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to

    take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet

    with cold water and soap.

    10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and

    close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.

    Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

    11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress

    to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away

    and fetch new one from bedroom.

    12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to

    neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from


    13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of

    dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with

    small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold

    head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

    14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches

    fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture

    store on way home to order new table.

    15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if

    they have any hamsters.

    ={^:^}= Meow-hahahahahahahahahaha


    People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is

    that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation Diet), you don't get enough

    variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently,

    people tend to cheat of their diets, or quit after 3 days.

    Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet. Over the years you may have noticed

    that most two year olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to

    all in this new diet.

    You may want to consult your doctor before embarking on this diet,otherwise, you may

    be seeing him afterwards.




    BREAKFAST: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites

    of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest On the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then

    smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

    LUNCH: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3

    sips only, then spill the rest).

    DINNER: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.

    BEDTIME SNACK: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.



    BREAKFAST: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of

    vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

    LUNCH: Half tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful Of Purina Dog Chow (any

    flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

    AFTERNOON SNACK: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.

    Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop

    on rug.

    DINNER: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.

    Pour Grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.



    BREAKFAST: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.

    Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up

    yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on the cushion of best chair.

    LUNCH: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto

    the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

    DINNER: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh

    some punch through your nose, if possible.



    BREAKFAST: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour

    a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is

    soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

    LUNCH: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker

    and finish eating it.

    DINNER: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick

    of mascara for dessert.


  4. A woman went to a K-Mart service counter and told the clerk she

    wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work.

    The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought

    it on special.

    Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started


    The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a

    growing crowd of customers.

    The manager goes to the woman and asks,"Ma'am what's wrong?"

    She explained the problem with the toaster, and he told her that he

    can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

    Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screamed,


    And doing so draws an even bigger crowd!

    In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that?"

    In a huff, the woman says,



    The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!

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