Kelsenellenelvian Posted September 20, 2006 Share Posted September 20, 2006 It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble ****ting.No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter oftechnique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans wereconstantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my ass cheeks. It led tomuch frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable toshake the tenacious turd loose from its butt hair dwelling. Eventually I would haveto do two things: Either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off thelingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature allover my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just gofor broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matterbefore the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a brightidea. "Hey, this is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminateall the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said tomyself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regrettedstatements: "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like agood day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-line now has complete Usenetaccess!" by some idiot system tech... such was my anal shaving idea.I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel tosit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I beganthe arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occasionally, I would have to cleanthe razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it onthe towel. Slowly, my twin cheeks and the between-ravine began to resemble thehairless mounds of a newborn babe.Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel wascovered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied,thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect foranal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose inexistence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I hadbeen taking it for granted.For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out intothe sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting tosweat, I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in mycrack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two ass cheeks sliding pasteach other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off,but had to get to class.Eventually, I thought, it would dry. Unfortunately, it did dry, but only aftermingling with the microscopic ****-molecules lingering around my brown starfish.When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky****/sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch.God-****, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down mycrack.Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed backto the dorm. Unfortunately, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finallyreached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like apair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my assoff by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filledthe room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all,as the ripe aroma of festering ****/sweat went into the fan and blew back into myface. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my asscheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed withthe tangy smell of my own **** blowing right into my face, I had only one thought:It will be like this until the hair grows back.Weeks Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity,I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair: Ventilation. I attempted to launcha fart, only to have it get stuck between my ass cheeks. Apparently, with no hair,the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustratingfart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has evershaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble.Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well, that is what I am dealingwith now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out thewindow and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in onefleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.Friends... don't shave your ass-hair! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nitroshift Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 ROFLMAOPMP :lol: Took the hint mate! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirtwarrior Posted October 5, 2006 Share Posted October 5, 2006 KelsenellenelvianThis is funny I think you should be a writer :clap: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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