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Giving a cat a pill


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1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply

pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill

into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and

repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly

with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right

fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from


6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws

firmly. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one

hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's

throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy

new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth

and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to stretch out flat on top of cat with

head just visible from below arm-pit. Put pill in end of drinking straw. Force mouth

open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to

take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet

with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and

close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.

Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress

to cheek and check records for date of your last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away

and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to

neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from


13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of

dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with

small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold

head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches

fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by the furniture

store on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to find a new home for cat and ring local pet shop to see if

they have any hamsters.

={^:^}= Meow-hahahahahahahahahaha

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