Social Media to Combat Marital Unfaithfulness
In a surprise joint press conference, Google, Facebook, and Amazon announced this morning that they are starting a new service effective immediately, using their combined collected customer data to identify unfaithful behavior in their users’ marriages and partnerships.
April Le Joecar, CEO of the newly formed joint venture “Cheating Profit”, explained, “if we inform our users that their spouse or partner is cheating on them as early as possible, we can connect them with our partnered private investigators, counselors, and divorce lawyers, each of whom will pay us between $80 and $300 per the contract that is arranged through our service, depending on the severity of the case as determined by our AI.”
Le Joecar also stated that their research indicated that the AI could predict whether a user is cheating on their spouse with 99.5% confidence. “We get the location data from Google, we get the people they are interacting with the most from Facebook, we know which presents they buy for their lovers on Amazon. We know if they continuously go to the cinema with any person other than their spouse. We know if they spend a suspicious amount of time in hotel rooms. We know everything.”
Amazon is also chipping in all data from dating sites and apps that run off AWS servers.
Once the AI has identified a case of cheating, the affected user receives a pop-up notification whenever they next visit any Amazon, Google, or Facebook site.
The stock markets reacted with initial insecurity, but a few hours after the announcement, each of the three participating companies saw a clear increase in their stock value.
The new joint venture is headquartered on a spare oil rig in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. “We are currently a bit cautious and want to remain outside any jurisdiction, just in case there are any privacy concerns. However, once our customers fully realize the benefit of the service, we want to move the headquarters to Panama or to the Cayman Islands.”
In case you expect to be among the first ones to see such popup today, but don’t get any, you should definitely check the date on the calendar.